LEARNING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES, PART 1

As a brand-new Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, my first instinct is to immediately accept new responsibilities and opportunities without a second thought.  With a smile, I've said to a client, "Sure, I can see you on a weekend!" Then when a client doesn't show up, I find myself feeling very resentful, first toward them-- "How could they be so inconsiderate? I came in on a weekend for them!" When they didn't show up for whatever reason, I resented them for not appreciating the "huge sacrifice" of my time and not honoring their own commitment to be there. Then I start to mostly just resent myself because I start to realize that I didn't have to give up these more valuable chunks of time or plans for someone else-- I chose to give them up to please others. I had decided another person's needs were more important than my own.

As a therapist, my job is to help others feel better.  It's easy to forget that in order to do so, I need to feel good too.  This means that if I'm going to preach self-care to clients, I have to provide my own self-care!  I have to regularly ask myself what my boundaries are.  I need to learn to carve out time for myself, then commit to honoring that self-care time and not giving it up to please someone else.

I've been reading Joanna Poppink's book, Healing Your Hungry Heart, which has been a valuable tool in learning how to help clients recover from eating disorders.   She has a chapter on boundaries that I found to be poignant.  Here are some highlights from that chapter that I found to be particularly helpful:

Boundaries and Authority
- "Boundaries are inextricably connected to the source of authority."
- "To develop and maintain a relationship, you need to respect your boundaries and the boundaries of the other person...This includes possessions, time, money, expertise, connections, relationships, even personal energy."
- "When you cross someone's boundary, you defy their authority.  When they cross your boundary, they defy your authority."

Saying No
- "Your ability to say no is critical.  If you agree to a boundary crossing just because you want to please someone, you are crossing your own boundaries."

The Continual Helper
- Poppink describes "the continual helper" as someone who is thoughtful, generous, and gives more than they can afford, leaving little time and energy or money for himself/herself.
- "The Continual Helper may make others feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable by their generosity because the others know they can't reciprocate at the same level."
- "Some people may by glad to take what is offered and consider the Continual Helper a reliable source who never requires repayment."
- "People may feel sorry for the Continual Helper, who seems needy and desperate for involvement, charitable toward the Continual Helper and give [them] tasks to do so [they] don't feel alone, or superior to the Continual Helper and experiment with just how far they can go in taking advantage." - "This reflects a lack of authority in the Continual Helper about establishing and maintaining [their own] personal boundaries."

To read an excerpt from Joanna Poppink's chapter on boundaries, go to: http://eatingdisorderrecovery.com/index.php/hhyh/924-healing-your-hungry-heart-chapter-excerpts/1066-qboundaries-a-challenge-in-early-recoveryq-chapter-5-excerpt

LEARNING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES, PART 2

Are you a big people pleaser?

Do you have trouble saying no?

Do you overextend yourself, then feel resentment later?

Do you feel drained from using your time and energy for others without taking time for yourself?

Being someone who struggles with this nearly every day, I found this list to be very helpful:

20 WAYS TO SAY NO

By Ramona Creel

1.  I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF SEVERAL PROJECTS

• let people know when you have accepted other responsibilities
• no need to make excuses if you don't have any free time
• no one will fault you for having already filled your plate

2.  I AM NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT

• you might be uncomfortable with any of a number of issues
• the people involved, the type of work, the morale implications, etc.
• this is a very respectful way to avoid a sticky situation

3.  I AM NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW RESPONSIBILITIES

• you aren't saying that you will never help out again
• just that you feel your schedule is as full as you would like now
• understanding your limits is a talent to be expected

4.  I AM NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB

• if you don't feel that you have adequate skills, that's okay
• it's better to admit your limitations up front
• the best way to avoid feeling overwhelmed down the road

5.  I DO NOT ENJOY THAT KIND OF WORK

• life isn't about drudgery -- if you don't enjoy it, why do it?
• don't be afraid to let someone know you just don't want to
• someone else is bound to enjoy the work you don't

6.  I DO NOT HAVE ANY MORE ROOM IN MY CALENDAR

• be honest if your schedule is filled
• "filled" doesn't have to mean really filled
• know when you are scheduled as much as you are willing and stop

7.  I HATE SPLITTING MY ATTENTION AMONG PROJECTS

• let people know that you want to do a good job for them
• but you can't when your focus is too divided or splintered
• you will be more effective if you focus on one project at a time

8.  I HAVE ANOTHER COMMITMENT

• it doesn't matter what the commitment is
• it can even simply be time to yourself or with friends or family
• you don't have to justify -- you simply aren't available

9.  I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE WITH THAT

• volunteering shouldn't mean learning an entirely new set of skills
• suggest that they find someone who has experience in that area
• offer to help out with something that you already know how to do

10.  I KNOW YOU WILL DO A WONDERFUL JOB YOURSELF

• people often ask for help because they doubt their own abilities
• let them know that you have confidence they will succeed
• you are actually doing them a favor in the long run

11.  I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY PERSONAL LIFE

• don't be ashamed of wanting to spend time with your family
• having a strong family is an important priority in and of itself
• be willing to put your personal needs first

12.  I NEED TO FOCUS ON MY CAREER RIGHT NOW

• often, you have to focus your energies on a work-related task
• you may have to give up some civic or community duties
• if you don't do it, someone else will take on the task

13.  I NEED TO LEAVE SOME FREE TIME FOR MYSELF

• it's okay to be selfish -- in a good way!
• treat your personal time like any other appointment
• block off time in your calendar and guard it with your life

14.  I WOULD RATHER DECLINE THAN DO A MEDIOCRE JOB

• know when you aren't going to be able to deliver a quality product
• the reason doesn't matter -- not enough time, wrong skills, etc.
• whatever the reason is enough for turning a request down

15.  I WOULD RATHER HELP OUT WITH ANOTHER TASK

• saying no doesn't mean that you can't help at all
• if someone asks you to do something you really despise, refuse
• then offer to help with something you find more enjoyable

16.  LET ME HOOK YOU UP WITH SOMEONE WHO CAN DO IT

• if you aren't available to help out, offer another qualified resource
• helping to connect people is a valuable service to offer
• make sure the person you refer will represent you well

17.   NO

• sometimes it's okay to just say no!
• just say it in a way that expresses respect and courtesy
• leave the door open for good relations

18.  NOT RIGHT NOW, BUT I CAN DO IT LATER

• if you really want to help but don't have time, say so
• offer to help at a later time or date
• if they can't wait for you, they'll find someone else

19.  SOME THINGS HAVE COME UP THAT NEED MY ATTENTION

• unexpected things happen that throw your schedule off
• accept that you may need to make a few adjustments
• it is temporary and you will have more time when life stabilizes

20.  THIS IS REALLY NOT MY STRONG SUIT

• it's okay to admit your limitations
• knowing what you can handle and what you can't is a skill
• your time will be more efficiently spent on something you do well

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SUMMER BLUES IN COLLEGE STUDENTS

College students, now that Summer's here and you're back home, I think it's common to struggle with the transition from being on your own to being under your parents' roof and having to be accountable to someone again after that sweet taste of freedom and independence.  They might want to know-- "When are you going to get a job?" "What are you doing all day?" "Why can't you do more around the house?" And all you want is to do is relax and take a break after taking all those exams and writing all those term papers!

In addition to being back home, it might be very difficult to go from having a structured day of classes to.............nothing.  Every day starts to feel like the same thing, there's no real reason to get up in the morning, nothing you HAVE to do.  You find yourself watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime and not showering until 4pm.  Maybe your friends are all back home at their parents' houses too (which is far away from yours), or they're traveling somewhere exotic, and now you don't have anyone to hang out with.  If you're used to living in the dorms or having roommates, it's easy to take for granted how you can stop in your friend's room and say, "Hey, want to grab something to eat?" or "Want to watch Gossip Girl?" or "My boyfriend/girlfriend is being a jerk and I need to vent."

Here's some information about depression, which can be especially prevalent (and undetected) in college students.  It can be hard to identify feelings of depression in the midst of classes, exams and papers because you're so busy and preoccupied.  Once school is over and you're home with nothing distracting you from your feelings, it might be important to check in with yourself to see if you might be experiencing symptoms of depression.

Check it out:
NIMH: DEPRESSION AND COLLEGE STUDENTS