LEARNING YOUR OWN BOUNDARIES, PART 1

As a brand-new Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, my first instinct is to immediately accept new responsibilities and opportunities without a second thought.  With a smile, I've said to a client, "Sure, I can see you on a weekend!" Then when a client doesn't show up, I find myself feeling very resentful, first toward them-- "How could they be so inconsiderate? I came in on a weekend for them!" When they didn't show up for whatever reason, I resented them for not appreciating the "huge sacrifice" of my time and not honoring their own commitment to be there. Then I start to mostly just resent myself because I start to realize that I didn't have to give up these more valuable chunks of time or plans for someone else-- I chose to give them up to please others. I had decided another person's needs were more important than my own.

As a therapist, my job is to help others feel better.  It's easy to forget that in order to do so, I need to feel good too.  This means that if I'm going to preach self-care to clients, I have to provide my own self-care!  I have to regularly ask myself what my boundaries are.  I need to learn to carve out time for myself, then commit to honoring that self-care time and not giving it up to please someone else.

I've been reading Joanna Poppink's book, Healing Your Hungry Heart, which has been a valuable tool in learning how to help clients recover from eating disorders.   She has a chapter on boundaries that I found to be poignant.  Here are some highlights from that chapter that I found to be particularly helpful:

Boundaries and Authority
- "Boundaries are inextricably connected to the source of authority."
- "To develop and maintain a relationship, you need to respect your boundaries and the boundaries of the other person...This includes possessions, time, money, expertise, connections, relationships, even personal energy."
- "When you cross someone's boundary, you defy their authority.  When they cross your boundary, they defy your authority."

Saying No
- "Your ability to say no is critical.  If you agree to a boundary crossing just because you want to please someone, you are crossing your own boundaries."

The Continual Helper
- Poppink describes "the continual helper" as someone who is thoughtful, generous, and gives more than they can afford, leaving little time and energy or money for himself/herself.
- "The Continual Helper may make others feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable by their generosity because the others know they can't reciprocate at the same level."
- "Some people may by glad to take what is offered and consider the Continual Helper a reliable source who never requires repayment."
- "People may feel sorry for the Continual Helper, who seems needy and desperate for involvement, charitable toward the Continual Helper and give [them] tasks to do so [they] don't feel alone, or superior to the Continual Helper and experiment with just how far they can go in taking advantage." - "This reflects a lack of authority in the Continual Helper about establishing and maintaining [their own] personal boundaries."

To read an excerpt from Joanna Poppink's chapter on boundaries, go to: http://eatingdisorderrecovery.com/index.php/hhyh/924-healing-your-hungry-heart-chapter-excerpts/1066-qboundaries-a-challenge-in-early-recoveryq-chapter-5-excerpt